Master Demaster.

I am working on my papers that are due tomorrow. Yes, dumb me. How quickly time flies when you are too busy worrying about other things. The time has come that I must work in a fast manner.. However, I need to get this out.

I have been seeing things again here recently. I know, I know. It sounds like I am almost crazy but I swear, I'm a lot more sane than I sound. Now, it seemed to have stopped for about a week and has returned. It's really bugging me. Sounds that aren't there.. things that probably are there but warped. I blame it on my irregular sleep patterns but it still concerns me...

Exhastion Reaches a New Peak.

I am a bridemaid in a wedding. In a wedding that some people do not believe is a good idea.
I have a hell of a week ahead of me. Partially because of see wedding. Also because I have created a short time frame in which to do my school work. I was always a slacker at school. I have tried to mantain a good average in this class though. Seeing as my B+ isn't waivering. I can only hope that this second exam yeilds the same, if not better results. I am already tired and I am just THINKING about what else has to be done this week. I can only imagine what Danielle is going through at the moment.

I am off to finish Harry Potter. Or to make a strong attempt at it. Luckily, no has ruined it for me yet.

All there is to say..

My stomach hurts tonight so not much is going to come out. However, I get fitted tomorrow for Dani's wedding. (Which is next weekend... wow.)

I want to get married.

Or is that just not a really good idea to think?

Professional

I am finding it harder and harder each day not to take this in a harsh manner. I told myself that I would keep my head level and I intend on doing so. I have so much going on, though, that I think I might scream at certain times. And, unfortunately, there are times where I choose to do just that. Making onlookers think that I am quite insane. I guess that their thoughts are not far from the truth seeing as I do not feel sane.

I miss him. I feel it everyday; the lack of his prescence. Although he is with me, he is not and I just do not know if there is anything that I can do with it. I try hard to not let it mess me up in ways that I cannot recooperate from. I do not wish to be percieved as a woman that can't walk with her head up much less walk alone. There is, however, a time where you have to draw the line. I am just having a hard time figuring just when that is. I love him. Is there ever a time line on love?

Schooling has become something that is just driving me batty. I have all these ideas for the things that I must get done. I just have no motivation to do so. This has been the TRUE problem behind the failures of my schooling. Not to mention, I have NO idea what it is I want to do with my life. However, I believe that I may have gotten that figured out. I know that I want some element of Criminal Justice... I also want to get into Political Science. Now if I could just figure out how to mesh those together it would be so much better. I have huge papers to write and yet, I am HERE! Haha. Tell of laziness as if I do not know. It's not that I am lazy or that I don't care. I just do not know where to start!

Lexi.

Dear World...

(Note: This was written in force of friends that I once had. Since writing this, I have not written anything else on this topic. Simply because I do not wish to remember some of the things that happened to my friends. I do not wish to remember what happens to people when they get caught.. -has been edited-)

A weary shout out to those staring blankly at their walls right now.
Just begging for their next line. Trembling to recieve their next hit.
Those who run on fifteen minute highs and dial their dealers at 500 in the morning..
So that they can keep living their double lives.
So we can fake out the next stranger around the block.
Make them give us the respect of the person that has the common ground of stability
And not the puzzle pieces with no solution like we really represent.

I am the last in line to lose everything around me.
You must think I am okay, though, because life goes on
Without the glitch that is mostly expected.
I do hear the voices that tell me no because they are the ones that haunt my dreams.
Cloud my thoughts when I am working, studying, shopping..
Yearning over lost loves.

I am stereotypical of that which comes hand in hand with a user.
I am: Shaky,
Defient,
Unsure,
Unbalanced,
Lost...
And most of all impatient.
I lose my temper,
I don't know what's going on most of the time,
I'm fucking crazy!
I only think of going out.
Get fucked up, get so messed up.
Mini comas and I know that I could die anytime...

I walk around without a care
No one notices.
I've trained them not to..
Not to see, not to care..
Beaten them all down until all they are, are their titles..
Too easy to forget myself..
(who is doing the forgiving?)
And I'm confused again.
Cry without reason.
Praise nothing, believe in nothing.
Just waiting...
Wanting something to grow from nothing.

An introduction..

Being rather distracted, I will try to make myself known. I join this site, in some ways, in my mother's shadow. It seems as though she has overpowered people with her words. A talent that I have been told that, I too, possess... I just never use. Maybe that is being unfair to myself. I do have words.. words that crave to be read but never let out for fear of what one may think of it. Perhaps someday, when I have more time, I will post some of it up. Every writer knows that the words are the TRUE window to the soul.. for those who write from the soul, reveal everything about themselves and others. I have always feared that. I do not want to be completely known. However, is it truly possible to be completely known? I think I might get into that later on. A topic that many have discussed but I feel I may have a good input for it as well.

As for the boring, general information.. I have always said at the end of most of my profiles that anything worth knowing is at the end of a question. It is the simplest way to get to know something about someone. Just ask. There are always questions for which no answer is afforded but it's always worth it to try. As I have said, I am a 21 year old, mother of two. I don't see my son very often but my daughter lives with me. I enjoy watching her grow up. I work at IHOP.. I enjoy my job but am constantly broke because there is really no money with being a server. I go to Grand Rapids Community College for CJ and Psych and I enjoy that but the road is long.

Push comes to shove.. ask. :)


Lexi.